"A wise girl..."

This picture I designed, has a quote that I unintentionally live by.  I can't seem to settle down.  I no longer care about people dating, getting engaged or getting married.  I do wish I could commit to being in a committed relationship though.  I don't know why I freak out when I become "in a relationship."  It's almost like I set myself up for relationship failure.  But look at me, do you blame me?  I can't even look at myself in the mirror and be happy. 

Lately, I have been hiding how I really feel.  No one really cares to know exactly how I am doing, emotionally, so I just hide it behind my fake smile.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me the past few months.  I don't really go around telling people because I am embarrassed/ashamed. 

I have kissed a few guys but have never loved any of them.  A couple guys have told me they loved me, but I never truly believed them.  I have always left the relationship before they ever have the chance to leave me. 

I know it's stupid, but I have always felt this fear of abandonment since my biological dad gave up his title as my father (aka let his little girl be adopted).  Ever since then, I have felt like no one will ever love me. 

I feel like their is no hope for my future.  It ended almost two years ago and I'm just waiting for God to "pull the plug."  I just want to be with my sister Julee.  I miss her too much. 

I'm getting a tattoo in memory of her very soon <3 

Silent but deadly

First of all, what the HELL is this world coming to?!   It makes me sick to think of all these families from the west coast to the east coast hit by tragedy.  I cant even begin to fathom what was going through  Jacob Roberts and Adam Lanza minds before and during the shootings. 

Obviously, something was not right mentally.  Some say a tumor, others say a mental issue.  Either way, is was far from okay.  Personally, I think anyone that murders anyone has some serious mental issues, regardless if they're diagnosed or not.

I have always wondered why people take out innocent lives when they end up taking their own in the end.  Is it just for the publicity? or what? I'd love to know.  I wish more than anything, they would just end their own life first, before taking out ending innocent people.  If they really want to.... maybe they should just leave a death note saying they wanted/were going to hurt innocent people, but they thought they would write it, instead of doing it.   Something to consider for anyone out there that has these tendencies. 

If you've read any previous post, you would know I too struggle with a mental illness.  I have been to the hospital psych ward a few times.  Every time people ask what on earth I am doing there because I look so happy and normal, I just say "I hide my emotions well, obviously."   But just know this..... I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt anyone when I am feeling suicidal.  Maybe except for myself, but no one else. 

Just remember, we need to pray for the families and anyone that has a mental illness that might be struggling with this kind of psychotic episode.  PRAY PRAY PRAY....... I'm starting to believe the world is now starting to come to an end.  Better get my church shoes on and head back to church.

Couldnt have said it better...

This song reminds me of one of my ex's..... I miss watching "Dog the Bounty Hunter" with you, holding your hand while I'd drive, the way you'd look at me like no one else ever has and mostly the way I could tell you actually loved me.  

"I Almost Do" -Taylor Swift

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

Oh we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, baby
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

12-12-12

Anyone that knows me well, knows I L-O-V-E my birthday!  I have been waiting for years (I kid you not) for 12-12-12 to come. 

I mid November I was in a lot of pain and finally went to my doctor the beginning of December.  Found out a few days later that I have a staph infection and bladder infection.  Uh, say what?!  That's a new one for me.  I was in bed A LOT and I even went to the emergency room.  They gave me some antibiotics and send me on my way.  I'm sure I'll get a sky rocket bill very soon.

Anyway...... So, December 10th arrives and I wasn't even remotely excited for my birthday.  I was bed most of the week, so I cancelled my birthday plans with friends because I didn't want to be sick and partying.  I knew I would be a party pooper. 

Wednesday (my birthday) at 12am I decided to go to walmart to get some medicine and a couple needed items.  I was in so much pain and looked like trailer trash that I was not in a good mood.  As I get up to the register (of course only 2 lanes were open and they were as slow as molasses), some teenager walks up right in front of me with nothing in his hands and puts his hand up and waves whomever to come here.  I wanted to yell at him.  See, I was almost in tears because my body hurt so much. All of the sudden this guy's mom and sister come walking up with a cart full of crap!  It was a 10 items or less line and i had maybe 5 tiny items.  I wanted to be like "excuse me, but can I please go in front of you?  Its my birthday!!!!!" but of course I didn't.  Then, they had to run back and get something.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

So..... My birthday had already started out bad.  I couldn't sleep after my trip so I watched Magic Mike and The Watch------funny!  Then I got ready for my doctors appointment I had to be at by 8:45am. After I went to Target to get my medicine and then went home.  By 11am I was passed out in my bed sound asleep.  7pm rolls around and I woke up.  I then went to Papa Murphy's and got a pizza.  Around 11pm I fell back asleep for a couple hours.

Needless to say, I am officially old.   My birthday was like any old person that doesn't celebrate their birthday, no offense. 

I am in my late 20's now..... weird.  What scares me is my sister Julee died when she was my age ='( 

I hate to say this, but thank gosh 2012 is almost over!  I can only hope and pray that 2013 is a huge turning point.  I PRAY <3