"A wise girl..."

This picture I designed, has a quote that I unintentionally live by.  I can't seem to settle down.  I no longer care about people dating, getting engaged or getting married.  I do wish I could commit to being in a committed relationship though.  I don't know why I freak out when I become "in a relationship."  It's almost like I set myself up for relationship failure.  But look at me, do you blame me?  I can't even look at myself in the mirror and be happy. 

Lately, I have been hiding how I really feel.  No one really cares to know exactly how I am doing, emotionally, so I just hide it behind my fake smile.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me the past few months.  I don't really go around telling people because I am embarrassed/ashamed. 

I have kissed a few guys but have never loved any of them.  A couple guys have told me they loved me, but I never truly believed them.  I have always left the relationship before they ever have the chance to leave me. 

I know it's stupid, but I have always felt this fear of abandonment since my biological dad gave up his title as my father (aka let his little girl be adopted).  Ever since then, I have felt like no one will ever love me. 

I feel like their is no hope for my future.  It ended almost two years ago and I'm just waiting for God to "pull the plug."  I just want to be with my sister Julee.  I miss her too much. 

I'm getting a tattoo in memory of her very soon <3 

Silent but deadly

First of all, what the HELL is this world coming to?!   It makes me sick to think of all these families from the west coast to the east coast hit by tragedy.  I cant even begin to fathom what was going through  Jacob Roberts and Adam Lanza minds before and during the shootings. 

Obviously, something was not right mentally.  Some say a tumor, others say a mental issue.  Either way, is was far from okay.  Personally, I think anyone that murders anyone has some serious mental issues, regardless if they're diagnosed or not.

I have always wondered why people take out innocent lives when they end up taking their own in the end.  Is it just for the publicity? or what? I'd love to know.  I wish more than anything, they would just end their own life first, before taking out ending innocent people.  If they really want to.... maybe they should just leave a death note saying they wanted/were going to hurt innocent people, but they thought they would write it, instead of doing it.   Something to consider for anyone out there that has these tendencies. 

If you've read any previous post, you would know I too struggle with a mental illness.  I have been to the hospital psych ward a few times.  Every time people ask what on earth I am doing there because I look so happy and normal, I just say "I hide my emotions well, obviously."   But just know this..... I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt anyone when I am feeling suicidal.  Maybe except for myself, but no one else. 

Just remember, we need to pray for the families and anyone that has a mental illness that might be struggling with this kind of psychotic episode.  PRAY PRAY PRAY....... I'm starting to believe the world is now starting to come to an end.  Better get my church shoes on and head back to church.

Couldnt have said it better...

This song reminds me of one of my ex's..... I miss watching "Dog the Bounty Hunter" with you, holding your hand while I'd drive, the way you'd look at me like no one else ever has and mostly the way I could tell you actually loved me.  

"I Almost Do" -Taylor Swift

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

Oh we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, baby
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

12-12-12

Anyone that knows me well, knows I L-O-V-E my birthday!  I have been waiting for years (I kid you not) for 12-12-12 to come. 

I mid November I was in a lot of pain and finally went to my doctor the beginning of December.  Found out a few days later that I have a staph infection and bladder infection.  Uh, say what?!  That's a new one for me.  I was in bed A LOT and I even went to the emergency room.  They gave me some antibiotics and send me on my way.  I'm sure I'll get a sky rocket bill very soon.

Anyway...... So, December 10th arrives and I wasn't even remotely excited for my birthday.  I was bed most of the week, so I cancelled my birthday plans with friends because I didn't want to be sick and partying.  I knew I would be a party pooper. 

Wednesday (my birthday) at 12am I decided to go to walmart to get some medicine and a couple needed items.  I was in so much pain and looked like trailer trash that I was not in a good mood.  As I get up to the register (of course only 2 lanes were open and they were as slow as molasses), some teenager walks up right in front of me with nothing in his hands and puts his hand up and waves whomever to come here.  I wanted to yell at him.  See, I was almost in tears because my body hurt so much. All of the sudden this guy's mom and sister come walking up with a cart full of crap!  It was a 10 items or less line and i had maybe 5 tiny items.  I wanted to be like "excuse me, but can I please go in front of you?  Its my birthday!!!!!" but of course I didn't.  Then, they had to run back and get something.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

So..... My birthday had already started out bad.  I couldn't sleep after my trip so I watched Magic Mike and The Watch------funny!  Then I got ready for my doctors appointment I had to be at by 8:45am. After I went to Target to get my medicine and then went home.  By 11am I was passed out in my bed sound asleep.  7pm rolls around and I woke up.  I then went to Papa Murphy's and got a pizza.  Around 11pm I fell back asleep for a couple hours.

Needless to say, I am officially old.   My birthday was like any old person that doesn't celebrate their birthday, no offense. 

I am in my late 20's now..... weird.  What scares me is my sister Julee died when she was my age ='( 

I hate to say this, but thank gosh 2012 is almost over!  I can only hope and pray that 2013 is a huge turning point.  I PRAY <3

Hear it like it is

 I am obsessed with music!  Especially when I hear and song and think "Wow!  This is exactly how i feel!"  Here is some songs that are words to my heart....

I knew you were trouble

Home

Wide Awake

We are NEVER EVER getting back together!

Back to December (my case january)

A Team

Letter's to the ex's

Lately, I have been on my own road in life.  I wish that I could write a letter to bring you hope, but that's just not me right now.

I've been wanting to write a letter to each of my ex's.....

Dear R.C.,
Thank you for being so much fun when we dated.  I enjoyed the short time we had.  I look back and cant think of one bad thing you did.  So short, theres not much to say lol. -KP

Dear N.R.,
Man, we had a rough relationship.  It was bittersweet dating you.  I can say I learned A LOT!  It opened up my world from what I raised myself to believe/think.  You are my longest relationship and in a way, im kinda glad.  I dont know if I ever completely fell in love with you, but you have always been on my mind since we've stopped dating.  At times it has taken me everything not to call or text you.  But, I told you to never contact me again, so I am going to obey my own rule.   Thank you for giving me a chance after such shit I had just gone through.   You really got the worst of me i've ever been and I am so sorry. I think we ended on horrible terms, which made me extremely depressed and I ended up in the hospital because of it.  I can only blame myself for my own actions.  I hope you're doing well now and I can only hope and pray you find some  girl that will make you forget I ever existed! -KP

Dear B.C.,
You were right when you ask me to never contact you again...and I wont.   I hope all is going well for you and that you're making smart choices with your life.  I'm sorry I didn't give you a second chance, but it was for the best.  It was too good to be true, sadly.  -KP

Camera Strap Cover!!!!!!!

My friends Sasha and Kristal were over tonight and we were helping Kristal with a craft project.  I suddenly though "Maybe Sasha will make me a camera cover!"  So, I ask her and showed her pictures of what I like from pinterest camera strap cover.  She agreed, and then I picked out my fabrics I wanted.  She used my moms sewing machine (don't tell her haha).  My friend Kristal is also a photographer so she wanted one too.  After a couple hours of Sasha's amazingly talented time, she was finished with both straps.  I took pictures of mine..... Tell me what you think!  THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH SASHA!  I LOVE YOU FOREVER! Also, I made peppermint popcorn peppermint popcorn and now we're watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas =)  Best night of my life! 

Where I stood

I have been listening to the song "Where I stood" by Missy Higgins http://youtu.be/PCLERYzJsYA

I miss him a lot.  Maybe because he was there for me when the rest of the world wasnt.  That I can thank him for.  But when it comes to my future husband, I want to love him for being exactly him.  I dont want him to have to change things about himself in order for me to be okay with him.  I want to be able to be me and him be okay with that too.  But, one thing is for sure...... I am sooooo not ready to date again.  But when I am..... I'm going a different route on where I am going to find him-hahahahaha.  

I've never hated someone, yet cared about them so much.  It pisses me off!  

Battle against my enemy!

I have been so discouraged latey.  Today when I got in my car after the soccer game, i started crying.  I drove to my friends house and cried in front of her.  I feel like I do so much and no one notices.  I know they do..... but I work my ass off and then get knocked down.  I am truly my own worst enemy.

I thought this year was going to "be my year" but its been far from it.  I've been in the hospital twice this year and it sucks.  I have a very long road ahead of me.  Too long if you ask me.

I am finding my photography isnt nearly as good as i thought.  I have some days were its awesome and others when its crap.  I dont know if i should just stop so i wont be disappointed anymore, or if i should keep it up.  I feel like ill never be good at anything!  Hurts my heart to say that out loud.  But no one reads my blogs anymore so i'm sure only 1-2 people will read this. 

I dont know what I should do...... lost and confused! FML

Some Nights...

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This post is going to be very random.....

"Some Nights" by: Fun.

Lately this song has really stuck with me.  I can't seem to figure out who I am.  I want to be a good person.  I want people to look up to me.  But what do I honestly stand for?  I know my testimony of the gospel has slowly been fading since last year.  Maybe its cause I havent been going to church a lot like I use to.  I believe in the church, but I have a hard time following the word of wisdom and commandments.  

I try not to judge anyone.  The only person I can judge is myself.  Life isn't easy, I know that.  Everyone does things differently and everyone needs to accept that.

I've made some choices I wish I didnt.  Havent we all though? 

I can't get a certain someone off my mind.  Its pissing me off.  I dont love him at all, but for some reason, I can't completely let go.  WHY?!  Yet I want to erase him from my mind!!!!!  

Im done for now.  ug

 

A love like them

Today was a great day!  My friend Kristal and I decided to go to the beach.  We arrived at 4:30pm lol tand left by 7:30pm.  I had a lot of fun taking pictures with Kristal whom is also a photographer.  We went to Seaside and Cannon Beach.  Here are some pictures..... 

This is my favorite picture!  There was an elderly couple holding hands walking in the sand on the beach.  It was sooooo cute!  Coincidentally, on the ledge I was standing by, it had love on it and it was perfect for this old couple in love.  I can only hope to someday find a love like these two.   

 

Mental Illness

I'm sure it is no shock to you that I have a mental illness.  Hello, my name is Karlee and I suffer from depression and anxiety.  It is sad to me that people dont understand mental illness.  Best way I can describe my illness is describe it like cancer (just hear me out).  My sister Julee had Leukemia.  Once she started chemo and lost her hair, you could clearly see she was "sick".  Now, mental illnesses are caused from a chemical imbalance.  Its there inside your body (head) but you cant see it like you can with cancer.  Also, headaches and stomach aches..... just because no one can feel what you're feeling inside, doesnt mean its not there and hurts like hell.  Exactly the same with depression and other mental illnesses.

Everyone deals with things differently.  You might be able to handle a death better than others and others might be able to handle a divorce better than you.  We are all different.  Everyone needs to accept that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.  There is no such thing as "normal."  Face it.  

I have been getting judged way too much lately because of my depression and how I've handled it.  It's not far.  I sought help when I needed it the most.  I didn't let it get too far.  Hey, I'm alive.  That's something to be happy about. 

I dont know if what I wanted to say is on this post, but before you judge anyone, I hope you remember what i've said.  

Thank you! -K

Dead end. be back..... never!

I feel like my life is some sort of joke.  Maybe I make it that way, but i'm so sick of it!  I am tired of feeling the way I do.  One day I am happy, one day I am sad.  Yes, I should be taking my medicine, but I need to go to my new doctor.  

I want to move out of my current living situation, but I have no where to go.  I'm never happy anywhere I end up.  Its my fault I am in this situation so I think thats the worst part.  

I am going no where in life.  I am turing 27 this year.  My sisters all had children older than 5 when they were my age.  They were also married before turning 27.  I have yet to even slightly grow up.  Some days, mostly a lot lately, i pretend I am happy and living with good spirits, but im just lying.  I am tired of showing my true feelings.  

I need help! I am at a dead end road, with electric fencing surrounding me and a 1,000 miles away where no one can hear me crying for help ='( Welcome to my life!   

Work, work, work and more work!

Holy crap, my life is all work now days.  I am not complaining because for once in my life I am going to have a great paycheck!  I have also had so many photo shoots this month!  Every week on my days off from my part-time job, I have had at least one photo shoot a day =)  Funny cause about a month ago I was getting really sad how slow my business has been going.  I started thinking that I was a bad photographer which made me even more sad.  I then began to pray and ta dah.... look at me now.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life.  I started to realize things and I'm like "DAH KARLEE!!!!!"  

I recently got to talk to someone that has hated me for about a year now.  Maybe the situation wasnt the best but I don't really care.  Its hard to show someone how much love you have for them when they have refused to see it.  Maybe someday we'll be friends again, or maybe we never will..... but at least he got to see me and know I am not the girl I was a year ago (a bad friend).

Lately, I have been so happy.  Just like I was about two years ago.  It feels great!  I love living away from my family.  If they read this, they might get mad lol.... but its hard when they are constantly wanting to know where I am or if I am at work or all that stuff that drives people (or just myself?) crazy!  Living farther away gets me a love for them that is hard to give when we live near each other.  Its a deeper love than I can explain.  I have an amazing family.  They're all unique in some way and to me that is how its suppose to be.  

I am single.  I love it.  I hate it.   Mostly, I love having freedom.  Its the greatest feeling ever.  It kinda scared me though cause  I think that I am going to have a hard time settling down.  But, there is nothing wrong with getting married later on in life.  I'm not a failure for not being married like most of my best friends(being married that is.... because people (LDS), tend to think something is wrong with you if you're not married by 22).  I am happy.  I'm not a failure!  =)

So, my life is about to get even more crazy....and I am stoked about it!  My wonderful soccer job I have where I follow the girls around and snap pictures of them at all their games is about to start!  I get this weird excited feeling just thinking about it.  Like I am super ecstatic about it =)  Yay!!!!!  Barlow Girls Varsity Soccer

Anyway, I must edit a few more pictures from my photo shoot yesterday =)  I love this family! Karlee Jean Photography  

Love you all, Karlee <3
 

Vent a little, listen a little...

Its always nice to have a friend that you can be 100% honest with.  Some (a lot) of my friends I have to watch what I say in fear of being judged, made fun of, etc.  Tonight I was with a few friends (after un-packing all day!  Well, an hour was spent getting my new license) and someone ask me a question about my recent relationship.  When I was being completely honest, all I kept getting was these horrible judging facial expressions from her.  Talk about uncomfortable.  It made me sad to know someone was judging someone they didnt even know even when I don't judge him. 

I was bothered by this the rest of the night, in fact, I still am.  

Afterwards, I took a friend home and we talked in my car for awhile about all different things.  Luckily, I knew I wasn't being judged.  We can relate because we have a lot in common.  

Recently, I was talking to another friend and she told me she didnt like who I was when I dated my 1st boyfriend.  I guess its hard for people to understand, but I know myself better than anyone.  I don't think I can blame anything on him.  In my defense, he got the worst Karlee has ever been.  He dated me two months after I got raped.  Any girl would be F'd up after that.  It wasnt until about a year to the date of my "R" that I started to become the person I was before it happened.  

Thank goodness my recent ex met me after I was like my old self again.  He got the much better Karlee out of it.  

So.... people have this horrible stigma about mental illnesses.  What do I think? GET OVER IT!  No one choose to be bi polar, no one choose to be manic...  that's life.  No one is perfect..... only the Lord is.  Remember this:  "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you do."  

Thank you for letting me vent tonight..... you know who you are =)  

All good things must come to an end.....

So, although my life has been great.... life in a relationship was not a happy ending as I had hoped for.  I will not talk about why it ended, but I realized I might just be better off single......until I die.  I am so sick of guys hurting me in so many different ways.  Someday I hope to figure it out.  But if I dont, thats my luck.  

I am starting to think I fall way too fast and fall out just as fast.  I don't think i'll ever be able to settle.  

I will say that the happiest times in my life were the times I was fully active in the church.  Living the correct standards and doing everything I should be doing.  Of course, I stray from time to time.  I am so tired of it.  So tired of myself.  

I keep breaking guys hearts and slowly killing myself.  I surely hope I can catch a break from this thing we call life.  

New News:

I recently moved to Washington!  Yay!!!!!  I now get 9% more in my bi-monthly income =)  I save A LOT more gas (and money)!  I get to start fresh to a new (singles) ward!  

Besides that, nothing else is important lol....besides going to bed!  I have to get up in a couple hours lol.  Goodness I'm crazy!  Peace out!

360... blah

I was doing SO good!   My gosh I feel like a failure!  Worst part of it all is that I dont feel like I can talk to anyone about it except the two I finally told.  I feel so hopeless.  Like I'll never succeed in anything.  I am getting soooo frustrated!  I am so ashamed of myself ='( 

Reaching out....FINALLY!

I am so proud of myself!  I have been really trying to hang out with people and not isolating myself in my apartment.  I am trying to be a better person, inside and out.  I feel like I am finally becoming the girl I was when the clock struck 12:00am on Jan. 1st 2011.  Wahoo!  I feel good lately.  Thank gosh =)  I have been reading scriptures and trying to be a righteous child of God.  Repentance is far from easy, I can tell you that much, but I am trying.....Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, you get the point.  I am so grateful I finally have a bishop who is very supportive of me and my decision to get back on the right path.  I use to hate the feeling of talking to my previous bishop because I felt so judged and I would leave feeling suicidal.  Not a good feeling =(  I avoided church and/or my (previous) bishop and hated knowing that if I died today, I would go straight to hell.  It killed me, so instead I started drinking so that I wouldn't feel that guilt anymore and let Satan take over.  It worked but not for too long.  Thankfully it was short lived and now I am back on the right track.  Well, life is getting better, and I am putting myself out there.  Its a good feeling <3

Letting Go

Today was a great day with my bestie!  I surprised her with a trip to my hair salon to get her hair done =)  She hasn't had her hair colored in a couple years and now couldn't have been the best time for her to go back to blonde =)  She recently lost her baby girl she was expecting in august.  No one should go through delivering their baby stillborn, especially her =( So sad!

As we all know, I have been extremely depressed lately.  I feel like if it wasn't for school, I would be, yet again, in the psych ward.  I have been so busy with homework and test I haven't had time to my ending point. 

Well, I am falling asleep.  Considering I've been up since 6am and only had 3 hrs of sleep, I am tired!  Night

Incompatable

I feel extremely overwhelmed!  I know I should be less stressed now that I am not working, but ironically, I am now more stressed.  I guess I have put a lot more pressure on myself to exceed in school that I feel like I cant pass.  I feel like I am at a University learning a foreign language.  My classes are so much harder than I ever expected.  

I recently repented on Sunday.  It wasn't easy but it's way easier than trying not to do the things that I repented of.  I am fighting a hard battle.  "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  That couldn't be more true. 

I am just fighting a harder battle living everyday.  I guess everyday is a good thing when you're above ground.  I am glad that I dont have to say everything I am thinking.  I know what would happen and I dont have time for that.

My friend and I were talking and she said I need something to look forward to.  Luckily, I was just ask to be a photographer at girls camp.  I never thought I would be able to go back unless I was in YW, but yay!  I have that to look forward to.

Well, if I get through today, hopefully i'll get through tomorrow, and so forth.  Everyday is a fighting battle.  Sadly.

Dear Julee

Dear Julee,

Why me?  I hate living in this crappy life.  My prayers are not being answered and I am very lonely.

Last night I just bawled for hours.  I feel like my life is coming to an end.  Is there anything I have to live for? Well, besides my little friends. 

Today I went to my Shannon's baby's funeral.  It was so hard to see her so upset.  I dont know how to comfort her or give her advice.  It sucks!  I wish I could take her pain away.

After the funeral I went to visit your grave.  It hadn't been there in so long.  I felt bad.  I stood there, sinking into the mud, crying to you.  I wanted so badly to cry on your shoulder!!!  I know you were there with me, but I want to see your beautiful face.  I always think it should have been me to die of Leukemia, not you!  You had so much to live for.  Life isnt fair!  arg

Someone recently told me they doesnt believe I was raped.  Although I was thankful for their honesty, I was really hurt!  Because this persons sister was raped at knife point and never talks about it, they believe I am lying.  I tell "everyone" about it, and rape victims "never" talk about it.  Well, ok.  I cant prove to anyone that I was raped, but I can help others who were.  I recently snail mailed a letter to RAINN to be a spokesman.  I also sent an application to volunteer to help at the Portland crisis center.  I really hope they call me!

I wish I had a different life.  I hate living in my own skin.  Not only am I the ugliest person alive, but I have the ugliest life.  I am a failure.  I wish I was 6 ft under.   

I miss you so much sis.  I get teary eyed just thinking about you.  I love you, Snarlee <3

Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger!

Today is one of those days that I wish I could have just slept through it.   I am, however, grateful for the people in my life. 

I put an invisible mask on my face so that people cant try to figure out what is really going on with me.  Usually if people ask me how I am doing, I lie.  They don't truly care to know how I am doing.  Or maybe I just don't care for them to know my personal life.

I have always had a hard time trusting men.  When I was in 5th grade my biological dad signed legal papers to officially declare him no longer my father.   At the time I was not happy.  In fact, I wasn't happy about it for years.  My step-dad had signed the papers to make him my (new) father.  As I grew older and started understanding it better, I came to the conclusion that if my own birth father didnt want/love me, no one would.  It was then that in my heart I realized I was/am "unlovable."  Since then, I have truly believed that, and sadly, I still do. 

Welcome to my sad pathetic life.

My song for the day------

"A Little Bit Stronger" -Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Student again =)

I am getting excited but nervous for school tomorrow.  I think I'll do great, I'm just stressed about balancing work, school and homework.  I'm pretty sure I will no longer have a social life, but I don't care. 

I have now been at my new warehouse for over a month and my gosh I LOVE it!!!!  I could not be any happier!!!!  I never make myself sick at work anymore because I don't have to see his face.  You have NO idea how good it is to no longer live in fear!  Also, in a few days will be 4 months since I have called in sick!  To some that's nothing, to me- that's HUGE!  I am very proud of myself =)

So, where is the sun?  It definitely isn't in Oregon.  With that being said, where does a girl like me get her vitamin D?  Tanning beds!  Yes, I'm sure I'll die of skin cancer sooner or later, but that's a risk I'm willing to take lol. 

Lately I have been a little stomach sick in worry about something.  I don't want to talk about it because right now its only "what ifs".  I guess  I just need your prayers that everything goes well.  blah!  life is not fair!  ='(

Happiness vs. Loneliness

 I know its been awhile since I have really written, so here I go.

For the first week or two I had a blast living on my own.  My apartment was spotless and always so relaxing.  After about two weeks I started getting super bored and lonely.  I started hanging out with people but that still wasn't taking away my loneliness.    I still have to come home every night to an empty apartment.  Its gotten to the point that I like a little mess so that I can clean it.  Weird, I know.

I dont really like hanging out with my church friends anymore because we are just in a different place.  I want to be like them, but I cant get myself to be.  People try to text me or call me and I just ignore it.  I dont mean it to be rude, I just do it to protect me.

I know that my best friends will always be there for me through thick and thin.  No matter how lost I get.  Others just dont get me.  They say they're a lot like me or what not but I know we're not.  Doesnt mean its a bad thing, I just know I am different.

There is this word that I keep forgetting, but its exactly how I feel.  I wish I could get out of this funk!

The one thing that is getting me through the day is the fact that I love my new job!  I know its not a new job, just a new warehouse.  However, its new to me.  I've been there for 3 weeks now and I love it!  The supervisors are so amazing!  Never thought I would say that!  I have a favorite sup already.  From day one she has been nothing but nice to me.  She told me she is going to have a granddaughter soon and coincidentally her granddaughter is going to be named Karlee, even spelled the same =)  Pretty cool!!!! 

I finally got to see Cathy again!  Those of you who dont know her, she use to work at the Portland store with me and she is amazing!  She was like a second mom to me.  She transferred a couple years ago to the Vancouver store and I hadn't seen her since.  She and I have had a blast at work, when working together.  We are both very sarcastic with each other and I love that!  She is truly amazing!

There are a couple other people that stand out to me at my new job that I adore.  They're so nice!  The best part of this store is the customers members are pretty nice too.  I have only encountered one rude member.  Once she walked away, we all started laughing.  She knew by our faces we thought she was a joke.  She was just ridiculous!  haha

Another great thing is management.  At my last store, the managers just walked around on their phones and sampling food.  I kid you not.  This warehouse, I have yet to see a manager doing nothing.  One day I saw a staff level manager pushing carts!!!!!!!  To those of you who haven't worked at the P-town store, you're probably thinking "that's cool."  But, those who have, Close your mouth,  I was SHOCKED!

I know I am kinda getting lost in this blog, but bare with me.

Life has not been good.  I am struggling emotionally and financially.  I thought that I could   make it on my own, but that has become far from the truth.  I need some dang photo shoots!  If you know of anyone or just want to help me out, spread the word!  Karlee Jean Photography!

Keep me in your prayers =)  Hopefully I haven't offended anyone, that's not my intentions.  Sorry

PTSD

You might be wondering what PTSD is.  Well, if you are, you are lucky you dont know.  Its Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This past year I have experienced it A LOT!  However, the past couple months it has happened less and less.  Yes I am very grateful for that.  One of the cons about living in my apartment is I have been experiencing it every couple hours when I am home in my living room. 

My trigger is the train that passes through Troutdale.  It makes a loud train whistle and instantly I go back to March 4th, 2011.  I hate it!!!!!  I just want to go "LA LA LA LAA LAAA LAAAA LLLLAAAAAA" until it stops!

Mostly this post was to get it off my chest.  The end.

Welcome to my new blog!

Welcome to my new blog! 

Lately my life has been kinda rough.  Living on my own has been a roller coaster.  I can't even begin to tell you how bored I have been.  I called my mom tonight and as we barely talked to each other, it consisted of me singing my favorite song at the moment "we are young" by Fun, and my mom talking to her self as she looked at Pintrest......or as she called it "Pinbook."  If that doesn't tell you I'm bored..... did I mention this has happened a couple times this week?  

Remember how I got transferred to a different location at work? Well, I absolutely love it!  I have never felt so at home as I do at this new location.   The customers are so much nicer(weird, i know).  Even the employee's are 10 times nicer.  

At the beginning of the year I took a bold move and started meeting with the missionaries.  It took a couple weeks to get use to them, but once I over came my pride, I could feel the love that they had for me.  Its been almost a month since I stopped meeting with them and I miss it.  I moved and transferred wards so they're no longer my missionaries.  I could have talked to my new ward missionaries but they weren't my (awesome) old missionaries.   I so wish I had that feeling I had a month ago.  I feel so lost right now.

I feel like my luck is running out.  Not that I really had much luck to begin with, but now it definitely is sprinting away from me.  

Today was one of those days I had/still having a petty party.   I saw the movie "The Vow" today, thanks to my free regal movie ticket =)  But once the movie was over, I got super depressed.  It made me really miss my ex.  I left him because I believe I deserve a better life.  But I can't forget how well he treated me.  No guy has ever treated me the way he did.  I just wish I could find another nice guy that I deserve.  Maybe that will never happen, which at this point, might surely be.  But I gotta keep my head up.  

I deserve to shine!  Someday I will twinkle =)  But as for now, who knows whats in store for me.