Dear Julee,
Why me? I hate living in this crappy life. My prayers are not being answered and I am very lonely.
Last night I just bawled for hours. I feel like my life is coming to an end. Is there anything I have to live for? Well, besides my little friends.
Today I went to my Shannon's baby's funeral. It was so hard to see her so upset. I dont know how to comfort her or give her advice. It sucks! I wish I could take her pain away.
After the funeral I went to visit your grave. It hadn't been there in so long. I felt bad. I stood there, sinking into the mud, crying to you. I wanted so badly to cry on your shoulder!!! I know you were there with me, but I want to see your beautiful face. I always think it should have been me to die of Leukemia, not you! You had so much to live for. Life isnt fair! arg
Someone recently told me they doesnt believe I was raped. Although I was thankful for their honesty, I was really hurt! Because this persons sister was raped at knife point and never talks about it, they believe I am lying. I tell "everyone" about it, and rape victims "never" talk about it. Well, ok. I cant prove to anyone that I was raped, but I can help others who were. I recently snail mailed a letter to RAINN to be a spokesman. I also sent an application to volunteer to help at the Portland crisis center. I really hope they call me!
I wish I had a different life. I hate living in my own skin. Not only am I the ugliest person alive, but I have the ugliest life. I am a failure. I wish I was 6 ft under.
I miss you so much sis. I get teary eyed just thinking about you. I love you, Snarlee <3
I guess I can't give him a punch in the mouth for saying that, but I CAN point out that the knifepoint assault was (I presume) a stranger, while yours was not. Also, we are all individuals, and we all react differently to trauma. My girlfriend in high school told me of her rape by a stranger on a college campus! Talking was her way of coping. That doesn't diminish his sister for not talking, and he shouldn't diminish and insult you either.
ReplyDeleteI know you are telling the truth. There is no question in my mind. The activities he revelled in, bragged of to me, and tried to get me to participate in -- I knew the instant you told me that it had happened. And that's how I knew who...
You are NOT a failure. You stood up to two people who denied and belittled your trauma as a lie. And you continue knocking down problems like bowling pins... getting your transfer to a healthy warehouse, leasing an apartment, starting classes, even taking on an extra job as photographer at a camp... That's a lot of pins for anyone to knock down! You are a little striker! A Sun-Junkie striker, and after life stops giving you splits we can both breathe a sigh of relief...