In the blink of an eye

The other day my best friend gave birth to a beautiful girl, Mia.  Right before she had her, I thought to myself "isn't it amazing that someone is about to begin their earthly life and be in such a wonderful family!  One second they're attached to their mother and haven't seen life, and in the blink of an eye, they just made their debut to the world.   Funny what can happen within seconds."

Don't Blink- Kenny Chesney

As some of you may know, I recently started volunteering for a wonderful organization "No One Dies Alone."  After the orientation, background check and test, i was finally ready to start!  After a couple days of not hearing anything (which is really a good thing), I got my first call.  I sat with my first "patient" and rubbed her feet and massaged her head like her family said she loves.  I was kinda unsure as to what I should do, but as being hospice, I just made sure she seemed comfortable.  I went to visit this patient two days in a row and a couple hours after I had left on day two, she left this world for a better one. 

The next day (yesterday) I got my next "patient."  It was weird because although I had only been around one person dying (my beautiful sister Julee), I never realized how different everyone goes through their final stage of life.  This patient was so peaceful and his breathing was so relaxed, I wondered how someone would think his life was about to end.  After my scheduled two hour shift, I knew their was no one to replace me until later in the morning.  It made me sad to think he might go during the night, alone.  His breathing started to change so I decided to stay with him until I felt ok to leave.  By 3:15am, I alerted staff about his breathing and they gave him oxygen to help him.  I left at 3:30am and said a silent prayer for him.  Its been almost 12hrs since I left and soon i'm going back until someone relieves me. 

No one should ever have to die alone because as NODA says "you're born with people surrounding you and you should pass with people around you." 

I realized that i'm not helping people, they're helping me!  It's only day 4 of volunteering and my perspective on life has changed dramatically. 

I never knew I could care about someone without even knowing them! 

"All good things must come to an end"

Its been a crazy month to say the least.  My life is about to change more than ever, and I am NOT too happy with myself about this. 

About two weeks ago I decided I no longer wanted to be in a relationship.  I enjoy my freedom and space and I almost got fired from work and I wanted to focus on work and nothing more.  So, I became a single woman again.  Surprisingly enough, we are just friends.  Yes, I have decided to go against my feelings and be friends with him.  Its going great! =)

In other news, I mentioned almost getting fired.  As you may know, I live far from work.  It has been hard trying to get to work on time.  I use to struggle with going to work.  I got such great anxiety about going to work I would physically make myself sick.  So, I would call in sick.  After many months of going on and off medical leaves, my doctor finally found a medication that helped me IMMENSELY!  I then began to go to work and I didn't call in sick or go home early for a couple months.  However, something new began.  I was having a lot of trouble falling sleeping but once I was asleep, i was out!  This became a very bad thing because I was starting to turn off my alarms (I say it plural because I would set at least 3-5 alarms to wake me up-no joke) unknowingly.  With this, I was waking up right before I had to leave or after I should of been at work.  Which was resulting in counseling notices and suspensions.  After my second suspension, I knew my time at Costco was over.  Surprisingly, they ended up giving me one more chance.  That very day, I decided my life was going to be devoted to work.  My work was so awesome they wanted to know how they could help me.  I told them I needed night shifts.  Wow, what a big difference my life became.  I was leaving 2hrs early to work and everything was great!  Hence, "was."

A week ago I woke up at 10:35am only to jump out of bed and cursing at myself.  Why? Because I was suppose to be at work at 10:30am.  The only reason I had an early shift, is because I requested it months ago.  I called work in my panic state of mind and when the person I was calling for didnt answer, I hung up.  Then I realized the next person I should   of talked to I had just hung up the phone with.  Good job, Karlee.   I quickly called back and my manager told me I had to hurry to work and clock in before my 1hr.  What did I do?  Jump out of bed and put clean clothes on and ran out the door.  I left my driveway at 10:53 and had to clock in by 11:29am.  I was speeding to work and clocked in at 11:28am.  OH MY GOSH!  I was so proud of myself.  I did great for the next week until Saturday morning approuched and once again, had an "early" shift.  Guess who set 5 alarms and managed to turn them all off in my sleep?  yup.  Me.  Once again, way to go me! 

I called my work and said "so, I'm fired."  They said they would get the papers in order and call me.  So a few hours later I got a call from my manager telling me to come in at my scheduled time the following day (Sunday) .  I got to work 30min. early and sat in my car.  Once I got to work I went to the office and got suspended.  Since I have been employed for over 5 years, corporate has to approve of my termination.  Since the last time I was suspended, they wrote be a note saying any more suspensions and i'll be terminated.  Yes, I have unofficially been fired from my job of 7 years.  The only person I can be mad at is myself.  But the way I look at it is I have 1 of 2 options... 1. Keep taking my medicine that makes me completely functional and happy but knocks me out OR 2. Stop taking my medicine and become very depressed.  Honestly, I think God must have something in store for me.  Not sure what, but I sure hope its good! 

If any of my co-workers read this, I'm going to miss you.  You have been a great "Costco family."  <3 Keep in touch!  

I think if I have a quote for this month, it would have to be "All good things must come to an end." 

the end. 

Equality

I remember on March 3rd, 2004, Oregon legalized gay marriage.  It was a huge deal and I remember being very against it.  I only knew personally of 1 or 2 people that had a "partner" but sadly I judged them.  I use to saying stupid/hurtful things like "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."  I am ashamed of my previous behavior.

Fast forward 9 years later........

 I have had a couple close friends that are attracted to their same sex gender.  I have one friend very hush-hush about it due to fear of being rejected by loved ones, and another friend who is very open about it but knows all to well about being disacknowledged from family and friends .  Talking to them about how it effects their life, it made me very sad.  I couldn't imaging have to be in their shoes and being judged and bullied relentlessly.

I decided that I would fully support anyone that has same-sex attraction.  After all, it is 2013..... times have changed.

Last night I saw the movie "42".  Movie "42" Its based on a true story that happened in the 1940's.  If you've seen the movie, there is a part where Robinson gets very discouraged after being called many racial slurs and cant do anything but keep his silence.  When he destroys his baseball bat and Rickey starts talking to him to encourage him to not let it get to him.  Whatever he says in the scene, i related to the nations controvery on same-sex marriage.  I imagined God telling those that are attracted to their same gender the same thing.

The movie 42 is about racism back in the day.  Look how stupid we look now (2013) for treating "colored" people so horribly.  In 2050, we will probably look back and thing how stupid we looked for trying to ban same-sex marriage.

We obviously have our own agency; we can believe and do whatever we want, but this is the simplest way to explain it in my opinion......

I believe that if it doesn't but you in harms way, then why should it bother you.  If someone gets drunk and then drives, it could put you in harms way.  If someone does drugs and it affects their mind (in fact it does), it could put you in danger.  Someone being gay or lesbian, is NOT going to effect you. 

If you're a conservative religious person, you are taught to love all.  You are taught to not judge because only God is the one that can judge, not you.  When God comes, he will decide what was right and what was wrong.  I find it funny how LDS people are judged so awfully by other religions and persons and LDS people know what its like to be treated with such hate yet they turn around and basically do the same thing with gays and lesbians.  Ironic? yes.

I never thought I would say this, but I just want peace!  There is so much hate in this world now, I just wish everyone would love each other.  Put away their differences and love like family.  Because we are.  We all have the same Father.

Just love.  

I changed my opinion on same-sex marriage, I hope you will too. 

I got a Tattoo!

After a few months of wanting a tattoo, I finally made my appointment!  On Wednesday, I went in, and got my first and painful tattoo.  The tattoo artist copied a letter from my sister Julee and expanded the size of it and once I liked the size/design, she put some jelly on the paper and put it on my foot. My appointment was at 3pm and I literally had nothing to eat all day.  She gave me a dr. pepper and began to tattoo my foot. 

I couldn't be more pleased with the way it turned out.  It means so much because 1. Its my sisters actual signature and 2.  Its her name and a purple heart representing love and her favorite color. 

I was going to do a Leukemia ribbon instead of the heart, but I hate the color Orange (represents leukemia) and I would of done it purple so the meaning behind the ribbon would have been lost.  So, I went with a heart.  I couldn't be more pleased! 

Everyone said the foot is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo.  Well, I wouldn't know otherwise because this is my only tattoo, but I will say it hurt.  It was a weird pain.  Regardless, I love it!   It was sooooo worth it.  Now, its my sisters turn! 

Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Today was a very scary day!  I went to bed super late this morning and didn't have to work until later today, so I slept in.  I get a text from my mom saying "will you go check on your dad?"  I jumped out of bed and went and checked on him.  You could tell he was sick, but he said he was fine.  I got him one of the home phones in case he needed to call me (yes, he has a quiet yell). 

A little later I was sleeping and I get a phone call from the home line and its my dad.  I quickly jumped out of bed and went to check on him.  He was gasping for air and I knew he needed to get to the hospital immediately.  He hopped on his wheelchair and went cruising to his room.  I was like "dad, do you need me to call 911?!"  and he in a faint yelling voice said "yes yes."  I immediately called 911 and as I was talking to the 911 dispatcher, I ran into my dads room to make sure he was OK.  As I get to his bathroom, I see his wheelchair without him on it, and my dad passed out on the floor.  I remember myself panicking and all the sudden he moved and started throwing up.  The 911 dude told me to lay him on his side.  He could breath a tiny bit better, but i just remember trying not to cry and be strong for him.  I then ran outside to see if the ambulance was here.  I saw the fire department trying to figure out where to go until they saw me, then they started driving faster up to the house.  The whole ordeal was very traumatic for me, but I felt much safer once help arrived. 

After everything, they got him up on the stretcher and took him away.  They were going to take him to the closest hospital unless they thought that his heart was the problem.  All the sudden the fire dept guy came back in the house and said they were taking him to a different hospital....so we thought maybe he was having a heart attack.  Regardless, we rushed to the hospital.  Once we went in his room, he seemed a little better.  Every 30min to an hour, he would have another "crash" (its the only word i can think of) where he would start sweating really bad and get nauseous and we just had no idea what to do.  The doctor just looked at him dumb founded because he had no idea what was wrong with him.

Even now its almost 12hrs. since this started, and they have yet to figure out whats wrong with him.   

Here's the big blessing in disguise.... I was originally suppose to be with my best friend visiting her grandpa in a nursing home.  But, she cancelled on me because so much was going on with her family.  If it wasn't for her cancelling on me, I never would of been here for my dad ='(  My dad said he thinks if I wasn't home, he would have died.  I'm sooooo grateful I was home for him.  Although it was a terrifying experience, I cant stop saying how glad I am that I was home.  I would have felt so guilty the rest of my life. 

All I can do now, is breathe. He's still alive, he is in the hospital where he needs to be, and I am ok.  Thank you, God! 

The end.  For now.  

"A wise girl..."

This picture I designed, has a quote that I unintentionally live by.  I can't seem to settle down.  I no longer care about people dating, getting engaged or getting married.  I do wish I could commit to being in a committed relationship though.  I don't know why I freak out when I become "in a relationship."  It's almost like I set myself up for relationship failure.  But look at me, do you blame me?  I can't even look at myself in the mirror and be happy. 

Lately, I have been hiding how I really feel.  No one really cares to know exactly how I am doing, emotionally, so I just hide it behind my fake smile.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me the past few months.  I don't really go around telling people because I am embarrassed/ashamed. 

I have kissed a few guys but have never loved any of them.  A couple guys have told me they loved me, but I never truly believed them.  I have always left the relationship before they ever have the chance to leave me. 

I know it's stupid, but I have always felt this fear of abandonment since my biological dad gave up his title as my father (aka let his little girl be adopted).  Ever since then, I have felt like no one will ever love me. 

I feel like their is no hope for my future.  It ended almost two years ago and I'm just waiting for God to "pull the plug."  I just want to be with my sister Julee.  I miss her too much. 

I'm getting a tattoo in memory of her very soon <3 

Silent but deadly

First of all, what the HELL is this world coming to?!   It makes me sick to think of all these families from the west coast to the east coast hit by tragedy.  I cant even begin to fathom what was going through  Jacob Roberts and Adam Lanza minds before and during the shootings. 

Obviously, something was not right mentally.  Some say a tumor, others say a mental issue.  Either way, is was far from okay.  Personally, I think anyone that murders anyone has some serious mental issues, regardless if they're diagnosed or not.

I have always wondered why people take out innocent lives when they end up taking their own in the end.  Is it just for the publicity? or what? I'd love to know.  I wish more than anything, they would just end their own life first, before taking out ending innocent people.  If they really want to.... maybe they should just leave a death note saying they wanted/were going to hurt innocent people, but they thought they would write it, instead of doing it.   Something to consider for anyone out there that has these tendencies. 

If you've read any previous post, you would know I too struggle with a mental illness.  I have been to the hospital psych ward a few times.  Every time people ask what on earth I am doing there because I look so happy and normal, I just say "I hide my emotions well, obviously."   But just know this..... I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt anyone when I am feeling suicidal.  Maybe except for myself, but no one else. 

Just remember, we need to pray for the families and anyone that has a mental illness that might be struggling with this kind of psychotic episode.  PRAY PRAY PRAY....... I'm starting to believe the world is now starting to come to an end.  Better get my church shoes on and head back to church.