Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Today was a very scary day!  I went to bed super late this morning and didn't have to work until later today, so I slept in.  I get a text from my mom saying "will you go check on your dad?"  I jumped out of bed and went and checked on him.  You could tell he was sick, but he said he was fine.  I got him one of the home phones in case he needed to call me (yes, he has a quiet yell). 

A little later I was sleeping and I get a phone call from the home line and its my dad.  I quickly jumped out of bed and went to check on him.  He was gasping for air and I knew he needed to get to the hospital immediately.  He hopped on his wheelchair and went cruising to his room.  I was like "dad, do you need me to call 911?!"  and he in a faint yelling voice said "yes yes."  I immediately called 911 and as I was talking to the 911 dispatcher, I ran into my dads room to make sure he was OK.  As I get to his bathroom, I see his wheelchair without him on it, and my dad passed out on the floor.  I remember myself panicking and all the sudden he moved and started throwing up.  The 911 dude told me to lay him on his side.  He could breath a tiny bit better, but i just remember trying not to cry and be strong for him.  I then ran outside to see if the ambulance was here.  I saw the fire department trying to figure out where to go until they saw me, then they started driving faster up to the house.  The whole ordeal was very traumatic for me, but I felt much safer once help arrived. 

After everything, they got him up on the stretcher and took him away.  They were going to take him to the closest hospital unless they thought that his heart was the problem.  All the sudden the fire dept guy came back in the house and said they were taking him to a different hospital....so we thought maybe he was having a heart attack.  Regardless, we rushed to the hospital.  Once we went in his room, he seemed a little better.  Every 30min to an hour, he would have another "crash" (its the only word i can think of) where he would start sweating really bad and get nauseous and we just had no idea what to do.  The doctor just looked at him dumb founded because he had no idea what was wrong with him.

Even now its almost 12hrs. since this started, and they have yet to figure out whats wrong with him.   

Here's the big blessing in disguise.... I was originally suppose to be with my best friend visiting her grandpa in a nursing home.  But, she cancelled on me because so much was going on with her family.  If it wasn't for her cancelling on me, I never would of been here for my dad ='(  My dad said he thinks if I wasn't home, he would have died.  I'm sooooo grateful I was home for him.  Although it was a terrifying experience, I cant stop saying how glad I am that I was home.  I would have felt so guilty the rest of my life. 

All I can do now, is breathe. He's still alive, he is in the hospital where he needs to be, and I am ok.  Thank you, God! 

The end.  For now.  

"A wise girl..."

This picture I designed, has a quote that I unintentionally live by.  I can't seem to settle down.  I no longer care about people dating, getting engaged or getting married.  I do wish I could commit to being in a committed relationship though.  I don't know why I freak out when I become "in a relationship."  It's almost like I set myself up for relationship failure.  But look at me, do you blame me?  I can't even look at myself in the mirror and be happy. 

Lately, I have been hiding how I really feel.  No one really cares to know exactly how I am doing, emotionally, so I just hide it behind my fake smile.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me the past few months.  I don't really go around telling people because I am embarrassed/ashamed. 

I have kissed a few guys but have never loved any of them.  A couple guys have told me they loved me, but I never truly believed them.  I have always left the relationship before they ever have the chance to leave me. 

I know it's stupid, but I have always felt this fear of abandonment since my biological dad gave up his title as my father (aka let his little girl be adopted).  Ever since then, I have felt like no one will ever love me. 

I feel like their is no hope for my future.  It ended almost two years ago and I'm just waiting for God to "pull the plug."  I just want to be with my sister Julee.  I miss her too much. 

I'm getting a tattoo in memory of her very soon <3 

Silent but deadly

First of all, what the HELL is this world coming to?!   It makes me sick to think of all these families from the west coast to the east coast hit by tragedy.  I cant even begin to fathom what was going through  Jacob Roberts and Adam Lanza minds before and during the shootings. 

Obviously, something was not right mentally.  Some say a tumor, others say a mental issue.  Either way, is was far from okay.  Personally, I think anyone that murders anyone has some serious mental issues, regardless if they're diagnosed or not.

I have always wondered why people take out innocent lives when they end up taking their own in the end.  Is it just for the publicity? or what? I'd love to know.  I wish more than anything, they would just end their own life first, before taking out ending innocent people.  If they really want to.... maybe they should just leave a death note saying they wanted/were going to hurt innocent people, but they thought they would write it, instead of doing it.   Something to consider for anyone out there that has these tendencies. 

If you've read any previous post, you would know I too struggle with a mental illness.  I have been to the hospital psych ward a few times.  Every time people ask what on earth I am doing there because I look so happy and normal, I just say "I hide my emotions well, obviously."   But just know this..... I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt anyone when I am feeling suicidal.  Maybe except for myself, but no one else. 

Just remember, we need to pray for the families and anyone that has a mental illness that might be struggling with this kind of psychotic episode.  PRAY PRAY PRAY....... I'm starting to believe the world is now starting to come to an end.  Better get my church shoes on and head back to church.

Couldnt have said it better...

This song reminds me of one of my ex's..... I miss watching "Dog the Bounty Hunter" with you, holding your hand while I'd drive, the way you'd look at me like no one else ever has and mostly the way I could tell you actually loved me.  

"I Almost Do" -Taylor Swift

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet sometimes you wonder about me

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you
And risk another goodbye

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

Oh we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, baby
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do

And I just want to tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do
I almost do

I bet this time of night you're still up
I bet you're tired from a long hard week
I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window looking out at the city
And I hope sometimes you wonder about me

12-12-12

Anyone that knows me well, knows I L-O-V-E my birthday!  I have been waiting for years (I kid you not) for 12-12-12 to come. 

I mid November I was in a lot of pain and finally went to my doctor the beginning of December.  Found out a few days later that I have a staph infection and bladder infection.  Uh, say what?!  That's a new one for me.  I was in bed A LOT and I even went to the emergency room.  They gave me some antibiotics and send me on my way.  I'm sure I'll get a sky rocket bill very soon.

Anyway...... So, December 10th arrives and I wasn't even remotely excited for my birthday.  I was bed most of the week, so I cancelled my birthday plans with friends because I didn't want to be sick and partying.  I knew I would be a party pooper. 

Wednesday (my birthday) at 12am I decided to go to walmart to get some medicine and a couple needed items.  I was in so much pain and looked like trailer trash that I was not in a good mood.  As I get up to the register (of course only 2 lanes were open and they were as slow as molasses), some teenager walks up right in front of me with nothing in his hands and puts his hand up and waves whomever to come here.  I wanted to yell at him.  See, I was almost in tears because my body hurt so much. All of the sudden this guy's mom and sister come walking up with a cart full of crap!  It was a 10 items or less line and i had maybe 5 tiny items.  I wanted to be like "excuse me, but can I please go in front of you?  Its my birthday!!!!!" but of course I didn't.  Then, they had to run back and get something.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

So..... My birthday had already started out bad.  I couldn't sleep after my trip so I watched Magic Mike and The Watch------funny!  Then I got ready for my doctors appointment I had to be at by 8:45am. After I went to Target to get my medicine and then went home.  By 11am I was passed out in my bed sound asleep.  7pm rolls around and I woke up.  I then went to Papa Murphy's and got a pizza.  Around 11pm I fell back asleep for a couple hours.

Needless to say, I am officially old.   My birthday was like any old person that doesn't celebrate their birthday, no offense. 

I am in my late 20's now..... weird.  What scares me is my sister Julee died when she was my age ='( 

I hate to say this, but thank gosh 2012 is almost over!  I can only hope and pray that 2013 is a huge turning point.  I PRAY <3

Hear it like it is

 I am obsessed with music!  Especially when I hear and song and think "Wow!  This is exactly how i feel!"  Here is some songs that are words to my heart....

I knew you were trouble

Home

Wide Awake

We are NEVER EVER getting back together!

Back to December (my case january)

A Team

Letter's to the ex's

Lately, I have been on my own road in life.  I wish that I could write a letter to bring you hope, but that's just not me right now.

I've been wanting to write a letter to each of my ex's.....

Dear R.C.,
Thank you for being so much fun when we dated.  I enjoyed the short time we had.  I look back and cant think of one bad thing you did.  So short, theres not much to say lol. -KP

Dear N.R.,
Man, we had a rough relationship.  It was bittersweet dating you.  I can say I learned A LOT!  It opened up my world from what I raised myself to believe/think.  You are my longest relationship and in a way, im kinda glad.  I dont know if I ever completely fell in love with you, but you have always been on my mind since we've stopped dating.  At times it has taken me everything not to call or text you.  But, I told you to never contact me again, so I am going to obey my own rule.   Thank you for giving me a chance after such shit I had just gone through.   You really got the worst of me i've ever been and I am so sorry. I think we ended on horrible terms, which made me extremely depressed and I ended up in the hospital because of it.  I can only blame myself for my own actions.  I hope you're doing well now and I can only hope and pray you find some  girl that will make you forget I ever existed! -KP

Dear B.C.,
You were right when you ask me to never contact you again...and I wont.   I hope all is going well for you and that you're making smart choices with your life.  I'm sorry I didn't give you a second chance, but it was for the best.  It was too good to be true, sadly.  -KP