I have been so discouraged latey. Today when I got in my car after the soccer game, i started crying. I drove to my friends house and cried in front of her. I feel like I do so much and no one notices. I know they do..... but I work my ass off and then get knocked down. I am truly my own worst enemy.
I thought this year was going to "be my year" but its been far from it. I've been in the hospital twice this year and it sucks. I have a very long road ahead of me. Too long if you ask me.
I am finding my photography isnt nearly as good as i thought. I have some days were its awesome and others when its crap. I dont know if i should just stop so i wont be disappointed anymore, or if i should keep it up. I feel like ill never be good at anything! Hurts my heart to say that out loud. But no one reads my blogs anymore so i'm sure only 1-2 people will read this.
I dont know what I should do...... lost and confused! FML
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This post is going to be very random.....
"Some Nights" by: Fun.
Lately this song has really stuck with me. I can't seem to figure out who I am. I want to be a good person. I want people to look up to me. But what do I honestly stand for? I know my testimony of the gospel has slowly been fading since last year. Maybe its cause I havent been going to church a lot like I use to. I believe in the church, but I have a hard time following the word of wisdom and commandments.
I try not to judge anyone. The only person I can judge is myself. Life isn't easy, I know that. Everyone does things differently and everyone needs to accept that.
I've made some choices I wish I didnt. Havent we all though?
I can't get a certain someone off my mind. Its pissing me off. I dont love him at all, but for some reason, I can't completely let go. WHY?! Yet I want to erase him from my mind!!!!!
Im done for now. ug
Today was a great day! My friend Kristal and I decided to go to the beach. We arrived at 4:30pm lol tand left by 7:30pm. I had a lot of fun taking pictures with Kristal whom is also a photographer. We went to Seaside and Cannon Beach. Here are some pictures.....
This is my favorite picture! There was an elderly couple holding hands walking in the sand on the beach. It was sooooo cute! Coincidentally, on the ledge I was standing by, it had love on it and it was perfect for this old couple in love. I can only hope to someday find a love like these two.
I'm sure it is no shock to you that I have a mental illness. Hello, my name is Karlee and I suffer from depression and anxiety. It is sad to me that people dont understand mental illness. Best way I can describe my illness is describe it like cancer (just hear me out). My sister Julee had Leukemia. Once she started chemo and lost her hair, you could clearly see she was "sick". Now, mental illnesses are caused from a chemical imbalance. Its there inside your body (head) but you cant see it like you can with cancer. Also, headaches and stomach aches..... just because no one can feel what you're feeling inside, doesnt mean its not there and hurts like hell. Exactly the same with depression and other mental illnesses.
Everyone deals with things differently. You might be able to handle a death better than others and others might be able to handle a divorce better than you. We are all different. Everyone needs to accept that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. There is no such thing as "normal." Face it.
I have been getting judged way too much lately because of my depression and how I've handled it. It's not far. I sought help when I needed it the most. I didn't let it get too far. Hey, I'm alive. That's something to be happy about.
I dont know if what I wanted to say is on this post, but before you judge anyone, I hope you remember what i've said.
Thank you! -K
I feel like my life is some sort of joke. Maybe I make it that way, but i'm so sick of it! I am tired of feeling the way I do. One day I am happy, one day I am sad. Yes, I should be taking my medicine, but I need to go to my new doctor.
I want to move out of my current living situation, but I have no where to go. I'm never happy anywhere I end up. Its my fault I am in this situation so I think thats the worst part.
I am going no where in life. I am turing 27 this year. My sisters all had children older than 5 when they were my age. They were also married before turning 27. I have yet to even slightly grow up. Some days, mostly a lot lately, i pretend I am happy and living with good spirits, but im just lying. I am tired of showing my true feelings.
I need help! I am at a dead end road, with electric fencing surrounding me and a 1,000 miles away where no one can hear me crying for help ='( Welcome to my life!
Holy crap, my life is all work now days. I am not complaining because for once in my life I am going to have a great paycheck! I have also had so many photo shoots this month! Every week on my days off from my part-time job, I have had at least one photo shoot a day =) Funny cause about a month ago I was getting really sad how slow my business has been going. I started thinking that I was a bad photographer which made me even more sad. I then began to pray and ta dah.... look at me now.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life. I started to realize things and I'm like "DAH KARLEE!!!!!"
I recently got to talk to someone that has hated me for about a year now. Maybe the situation wasnt the best but I don't really care. Its hard to show someone how much love you have for them when they have refused to see it. Maybe someday we'll be friends again, or maybe we never will..... but at least he got to see me and know I am not the girl I was a year ago (a bad friend).
Lately, I have been so happy. Just like I was about two years ago. It feels great! I love living away from my family. If they read this, they might get mad lol.... but its hard when they are constantly wanting to know where I am or if I am at work or all that stuff that drives people (or just myself?) crazy! Living farther away gets me a love for them that is hard to give when we live near each other. Its a deeper love than I can explain. I have an amazing family. They're all unique in some way and to me that is how its suppose to be.
I am single. I love it. I hate it. Mostly, I love having freedom. Its the greatest feeling ever. It kinda scared me though cause I think that I am going to have a hard time settling down. But, there is nothing wrong with getting married later on in life. I'm not a failure for not being married like most of my best friends(being married that is.... because people (LDS), tend to think something is wrong with you if you're not married by 22). I am happy. I'm not a failure! =)
So, my life is about to get even more crazy....and I am stoked about it! My wonderful soccer job I have where I follow the girls around and snap pictures of them at all their games is about to start! I get this weird excited feeling just thinking about it. Like I am super ecstatic about it =) Yay!!!!! Barlow Girls Varsity Soccer
Anyway, I must edit a few more pictures from my photo shoot yesterday =) I love this family! Karlee Jean Photography
Love you all, Karlee <3
Its always nice to have a friend that you can be 100% honest with. Some (a lot) of my friends I have to watch what I say in fear of being judged, made fun of, etc. Tonight I was with a few friends (after un-packing all day! Well, an hour was spent getting my new license) and someone ask me a question about my recent relationship. When I was being completely honest, all I kept getting was these horrible judging facial expressions from her. Talk about uncomfortable. It made me sad to know someone was judging someone they didnt even know even when I don't judge him.
I was bothered by this the rest of the night, in fact, I still am.
Afterwards, I took a friend home and we talked in my car for awhile about all different things. Luckily, I knew I wasn't being judged. We can relate because we have a lot in common.
Recently, I was talking to another friend and she told me she didnt like who I was when I dated my 1st boyfriend. I guess its hard for people to understand, but I know myself better than anyone. I don't think I can blame anything on him. In my defense, he got the worst Karlee has ever been. He dated me two months after I got raped. Any girl would be F'd up after that. It wasnt until about a year to the date of my "R" that I started to become the person I was before it happened.
Thank goodness my recent ex met me after I was like my old self again. He got the much better Karlee out of it.
So.... people have this horrible stigma about mental illnesses. What do I think? GET OVER IT! No one choose to be bi polar, no one choose to be manic... that's life. No one is perfect..... only the Lord is. Remember this: "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you do."
Thank you for letting me vent tonight..... you know who you are =)
