Letting Go

Today was a great day with my bestie!  I surprised her with a trip to my hair salon to get her hair done =)  She hasn't had her hair colored in a couple years and now couldn't have been the best time for her to go back to blonde =)  She recently lost her baby girl she was expecting in august.  No one should go through delivering their baby stillborn, especially her =( So sad!

As we all know, I have been extremely depressed lately.  I feel like if it wasn't for school, I would be, yet again, in the psych ward.  I have been so busy with homework and test I haven't had time to my ending point. 

Well, I am falling asleep.  Considering I've been up since 6am and only had 3 hrs of sleep, I am tired!  Night

Incompatable

I feel extremely overwhelmed!  I know I should be less stressed now that I am not working, but ironically, I am now more stressed.  I guess I have put a lot more pressure on myself to exceed in school that I feel like I cant pass.  I feel like I am at a University learning a foreign language.  My classes are so much harder than I ever expected.  

I recently repented on Sunday.  It wasn't easy but it's way easier than trying not to do the things that I repented of.  I am fighting a hard battle.  "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."  That couldn't be more true. 

I am just fighting a harder battle living everyday.  I guess everyday is a good thing when you're above ground.  I am glad that I dont have to say everything I am thinking.  I know what would happen and I dont have time for that.

My friend and I were talking and she said I need something to look forward to.  Luckily, I was just ask to be a photographer at girls camp.  I never thought I would be able to go back unless I was in YW, but yay!  I have that to look forward to.

Well, if I get through today, hopefully i'll get through tomorrow, and so forth.  Everyday is a fighting battle.  Sadly.

Dear Julee

Dear Julee,

Why me?  I hate living in this crappy life.  My prayers are not being answered and I am very lonely.

Last night I just bawled for hours.  I feel like my life is coming to an end.  Is there anything I have to live for? Well, besides my little friends. 

Today I went to my Shannon's baby's funeral.  It was so hard to see her so upset.  I dont know how to comfort her or give her advice.  It sucks!  I wish I could take her pain away.

After the funeral I went to visit your grave.  It hadn't been there in so long.  I felt bad.  I stood there, sinking into the mud, crying to you.  I wanted so badly to cry on your shoulder!!!  I know you were there with me, but I want to see your beautiful face.  I always think it should have been me to die of Leukemia, not you!  You had so much to live for.  Life isnt fair!  arg

Someone recently told me they doesnt believe I was raped.  Although I was thankful for their honesty, I was really hurt!  Because this persons sister was raped at knife point and never talks about it, they believe I am lying.  I tell "everyone" about it, and rape victims "never" talk about it.  Well, ok.  I cant prove to anyone that I was raped, but I can help others who were.  I recently snail mailed a letter to RAINN to be a spokesman.  I also sent an application to volunteer to help at the Portland crisis center.  I really hope they call me!

I wish I had a different life.  I hate living in my own skin.  Not only am I the ugliest person alive, but I have the ugliest life.  I am a failure.  I wish I was 6 ft under.   

I miss you so much sis.  I get teary eyed just thinking about you.  I love you, Snarlee <3

Even on my weakest days I get a little bit stronger!

Today is one of those days that I wish I could have just slept through it.   I am, however, grateful for the people in my life. 

I put an invisible mask on my face so that people cant try to figure out what is really going on with me.  Usually if people ask me how I am doing, I lie.  They don't truly care to know how I am doing.  Or maybe I just don't care for them to know my personal life.

I have always had a hard time trusting men.  When I was in 5th grade my biological dad signed legal papers to officially declare him no longer my father.   At the time I was not happy.  In fact, I wasn't happy about it for years.  My step-dad had signed the papers to make him my (new) father.  As I grew older and started understanding it better, I came to the conclusion that if my own birth father didnt want/love me, no one would.  It was then that in my heart I realized I was/am "unlovable."  Since then, I have truly believed that, and sadly, I still do. 

Welcome to my sad pathetic life.

My song for the day------

"A Little Bit Stronger" -Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Student again =)

I am getting excited but nervous for school tomorrow.  I think I'll do great, I'm just stressed about balancing work, school and homework.  I'm pretty sure I will no longer have a social life, but I don't care. 

I have now been at my new warehouse for over a month and my gosh I LOVE it!!!!  I could not be any happier!!!!  I never make myself sick at work anymore because I don't have to see his face.  You have NO idea how good it is to no longer live in fear!  Also, in a few days will be 4 months since I have called in sick!  To some that's nothing, to me- that's HUGE!  I am very proud of myself =)

So, where is the sun?  It definitely isn't in Oregon.  With that being said, where does a girl like me get her vitamin D?  Tanning beds!  Yes, I'm sure I'll die of skin cancer sooner or later, but that's a risk I'm willing to take lol. 

Lately I have been a little stomach sick in worry about something.  I don't want to talk about it because right now its only "what ifs".  I guess  I just need your prayers that everything goes well.  blah!  life is not fair!  ='(

Happiness vs. Loneliness

 I know its been awhile since I have really written, so here I go.

For the first week or two I had a blast living on my own.  My apartment was spotless and always so relaxing.  After about two weeks I started getting super bored and lonely.  I started hanging out with people but that still wasn't taking away my loneliness.    I still have to come home every night to an empty apartment.  Its gotten to the point that I like a little mess so that I can clean it.  Weird, I know.

I dont really like hanging out with my church friends anymore because we are just in a different place.  I want to be like them, but I cant get myself to be.  People try to text me or call me and I just ignore it.  I dont mean it to be rude, I just do it to protect me.

I know that my best friends will always be there for me through thick and thin.  No matter how lost I get.  Others just dont get me.  They say they're a lot like me or what not but I know we're not.  Doesnt mean its a bad thing, I just know I am different.

There is this word that I keep forgetting, but its exactly how I feel.  I wish I could get out of this funk!

The one thing that is getting me through the day is the fact that I love my new job!  I know its not a new job, just a new warehouse.  However, its new to me.  I've been there for 3 weeks now and I love it!  The supervisors are so amazing!  Never thought I would say that!  I have a favorite sup already.  From day one she has been nothing but nice to me.  She told me she is going to have a granddaughter soon and coincidentally her granddaughter is going to be named Karlee, even spelled the same =)  Pretty cool!!!! 

I finally got to see Cathy again!  Those of you who dont know her, she use to work at the Portland store with me and she is amazing!  She was like a second mom to me.  She transferred a couple years ago to the Vancouver store and I hadn't seen her since.  She and I have had a blast at work, when working together.  We are both very sarcastic with each other and I love that!  She is truly amazing!

There are a couple other people that stand out to me at my new job that I adore.  They're so nice!  The best part of this store is the customers members are pretty nice too.  I have only encountered one rude member.  Once she walked away, we all started laughing.  She knew by our faces we thought she was a joke.  She was just ridiculous!  haha

Another great thing is management.  At my last store, the managers just walked around on their phones and sampling food.  I kid you not.  This warehouse, I have yet to see a manager doing nothing.  One day I saw a staff level manager pushing carts!!!!!!!  To those of you who haven't worked at the P-town store, you're probably thinking "that's cool."  But, those who have, Close your mouth,  I was SHOCKED!

I know I am kinda getting lost in this blog, but bare with me.

Life has not been good.  I am struggling emotionally and financially.  I thought that I could   make it on my own, but that has become far from the truth.  I need some dang photo shoots!  If you know of anyone or just want to help me out, spread the word!  Karlee Jean Photography!

Keep me in your prayers =)  Hopefully I haven't offended anyone, that's not my intentions.  Sorry

PTSD

You might be wondering what PTSD is.  Well, if you are, you are lucky you dont know.  Its Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This past year I have experienced it A LOT!  However, the past couple months it has happened less and less.  Yes I am very grateful for that.  One of the cons about living in my apartment is I have been experiencing it every couple hours when I am home in my living room. 

My trigger is the train that passes through Troutdale.  It makes a loud train whistle and instantly I go back to March 4th, 2011.  I hate it!!!!!  I just want to go "LA LA LA LAA LAAA LAAAA LLLLAAAAAA" until it stops!

Mostly this post was to get it off my chest.  The end.