Mental Illness

I'm sure it is no shock to you that I have a mental illness.  Hello, my name is Karlee and I suffer from depression and anxiety.  It is sad to me that people dont understand mental illness.  Best way I can describe my illness is describe it like cancer (just hear me out).  My sister Julee had Leukemia.  Once she started chemo and lost her hair, you could clearly see she was "sick".  Now, mental illnesses are caused from a chemical imbalance.  Its there inside your body (head) but you cant see it like you can with cancer.  Also, headaches and stomach aches..... just because no one can feel what you're feeling inside, doesnt mean its not there and hurts like hell.  Exactly the same with depression and other mental illnesses.

Everyone deals with things differently.  You might be able to handle a death better than others and others might be able to handle a divorce better than you.  We are all different.  Everyone needs to accept that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT.  There is no such thing as "normal."  Face it.  

I have been getting judged way too much lately because of my depression and how I've handled it.  It's not far.  I sought help when I needed it the most.  I didn't let it get too far.  Hey, I'm alive.  That's something to be happy about. 

I dont know if what I wanted to say is on this post, but before you judge anyone, I hope you remember what i've said.  

Thank you! -K

Dead end. be back..... never!

I feel like my life is some sort of joke.  Maybe I make it that way, but i'm so sick of it!  I am tired of feeling the way I do.  One day I am happy, one day I am sad.  Yes, I should be taking my medicine, but I need to go to my new doctor.  

I want to move out of my current living situation, but I have no where to go.  I'm never happy anywhere I end up.  Its my fault I am in this situation so I think thats the worst part.  

I am going no where in life.  I am turing 27 this year.  My sisters all had children older than 5 when they were my age.  They were also married before turning 27.  I have yet to even slightly grow up.  Some days, mostly a lot lately, i pretend I am happy and living with good spirits, but im just lying.  I am tired of showing my true feelings.  

I need help! I am at a dead end road, with electric fencing surrounding me and a 1,000 miles away where no one can hear me crying for help ='( Welcome to my life!   

Work, work, work and more work!

Holy crap, my life is all work now days.  I am not complaining because for once in my life I am going to have a great paycheck!  I have also had so many photo shoots this month!  Every week on my days off from my part-time job, I have had at least one photo shoot a day =)  Funny cause about a month ago I was getting really sad how slow my business has been going.  I started thinking that I was a bad photographer which made me even more sad.  I then began to pray and ta dah.... look at me now.  

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my life.  I started to realize things and I'm like "DAH KARLEE!!!!!"  

I recently got to talk to someone that has hated me for about a year now.  Maybe the situation wasnt the best but I don't really care.  Its hard to show someone how much love you have for them when they have refused to see it.  Maybe someday we'll be friends again, or maybe we never will..... but at least he got to see me and know I am not the girl I was a year ago (a bad friend).

Lately, I have been so happy.  Just like I was about two years ago.  It feels great!  I love living away from my family.  If they read this, they might get mad lol.... but its hard when they are constantly wanting to know where I am or if I am at work or all that stuff that drives people (or just myself?) crazy!  Living farther away gets me a love for them that is hard to give when we live near each other.  Its a deeper love than I can explain.  I have an amazing family.  They're all unique in some way and to me that is how its suppose to be.  

I am single.  I love it.  I hate it.   Mostly, I love having freedom.  Its the greatest feeling ever.  It kinda scared me though cause  I think that I am going to have a hard time settling down.  But, there is nothing wrong with getting married later on in life.  I'm not a failure for not being married like most of my best friends(being married that is.... because people (LDS), tend to think something is wrong with you if you're not married by 22).  I am happy.  I'm not a failure!  =)

So, my life is about to get even more crazy....and I am stoked about it!  My wonderful soccer job I have where I follow the girls around and snap pictures of them at all their games is about to start!  I get this weird excited feeling just thinking about it.  Like I am super ecstatic about it =)  Yay!!!!!  Barlow Girls Varsity Soccer

Anyway, I must edit a few more pictures from my photo shoot yesterday =)  I love this family! Karlee Jean Photography  

Love you all, Karlee <3
 

Vent a little, listen a little...

Its always nice to have a friend that you can be 100% honest with.  Some (a lot) of my friends I have to watch what I say in fear of being judged, made fun of, etc.  Tonight I was with a few friends (after un-packing all day!  Well, an hour was spent getting my new license) and someone ask me a question about my recent relationship.  When I was being completely honest, all I kept getting was these horrible judging facial expressions from her.  Talk about uncomfortable.  It made me sad to know someone was judging someone they didnt even know even when I don't judge him. 

I was bothered by this the rest of the night, in fact, I still am.  

Afterwards, I took a friend home and we talked in my car for awhile about all different things.  Luckily, I knew I wasn't being judged.  We can relate because we have a lot in common.  

Recently, I was talking to another friend and she told me she didnt like who I was when I dated my 1st boyfriend.  I guess its hard for people to understand, but I know myself better than anyone.  I don't think I can blame anything on him.  In my defense, he got the worst Karlee has ever been.  He dated me two months after I got raped.  Any girl would be F'd up after that.  It wasnt until about a year to the date of my "R" that I started to become the person I was before it happened.  

Thank goodness my recent ex met me after I was like my old self again.  He got the much better Karlee out of it.  

So.... people have this horrible stigma about mental illnesses.  What do I think? GET OVER IT!  No one choose to be bi polar, no one choose to be manic...  that's life.  No one is perfect..... only the Lord is.  Remember this:  "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you do."  

Thank you for letting me vent tonight..... you know who you are =)  

All good things must come to an end.....

So, although my life has been great.... life in a relationship was not a happy ending as I had hoped for.  I will not talk about why it ended, but I realized I might just be better off single......until I die.  I am so sick of guys hurting me in so many different ways.  Someday I hope to figure it out.  But if I dont, thats my luck.  

I am starting to think I fall way too fast and fall out just as fast.  I don't think i'll ever be able to settle.  

I will say that the happiest times in my life were the times I was fully active in the church.  Living the correct standards and doing everything I should be doing.  Of course, I stray from time to time.  I am so tired of it.  So tired of myself.  

I keep breaking guys hearts and slowly killing myself.  I surely hope I can catch a break from this thing we call life.  

New News:

I recently moved to Washington!  Yay!!!!!  I now get 9% more in my bi-monthly income =)  I save A LOT more gas (and money)!  I get to start fresh to a new (singles) ward!  

Besides that, nothing else is important lol....besides going to bed!  I have to get up in a couple hours lol.  Goodness I'm crazy!  Peace out!

360... blah

I was doing SO good!   My gosh I feel like a failure!  Worst part of it all is that I dont feel like I can talk to anyone about it except the two I finally told.  I feel so hopeless.  Like I'll never succeed in anything.  I am getting soooo frustrated!  I am so ashamed of myself ='( 

Reaching out....FINALLY!

I am so proud of myself!  I have been really trying to hang out with people and not isolating myself in my apartment.  I am trying to be a better person, inside and out.  I feel like I am finally becoming the girl I was when the clock struck 12:00am on Jan. 1st 2011.  Wahoo!  I feel good lately.  Thank gosh =)  I have been reading scriptures and trying to be a righteous child of God.  Repentance is far from easy, I can tell you that much, but I am trying.....Every second, every minute, every hour, every day, you get the point.  I am so grateful I finally have a bishop who is very supportive of me and my decision to get back on the right path.  I use to hate the feeling of talking to my previous bishop because I felt so judged and I would leave feeling suicidal.  Not a good feeling =(  I avoided church and/or my (previous) bishop and hated knowing that if I died today, I would go straight to hell.  It killed me, so instead I started drinking so that I wouldn't feel that guilt anymore and let Satan take over.  It worked but not for too long.  Thankfully it was short lived and now I am back on the right track.  Well, life is getting better, and I am putting myself out there.  Its a good feeling <3